It’s celebrity blog post time! With your very own celebrity and GM of the mystical 90* Putter! I was recently in London for work and will be in London again for fun. I’m in a England mood so that’s where our story takes us!
Gather ‘round children and listen a story about the lords and ladies of grand ole England and the powerful houses that ruled the nation years and years ago. Back then, there was no “fantasy football”, “computers” or punishments called “cereal chug”. Charles II of England originated what was to be called the “sport of kings” which continues to remain popular ranking top four or five in terms of current media coverage. Now I’m slightly fuzzy on the details but after researching COUNTLESS leather bound books I’ve become an amateur expert on the subject so please assume everything is correct. This story begins at Ascot for British Champions Day (actually last weekend) where the summer championship series concludes allowing the houses to give their champions a well needed rest prior to the winter campaign. Now this is where the fuzzy details come in, from what I’ve read the summer and winter campaigns of the Sport of Kings is the only “honest” way for the houses to earn money, supplies and honor for their family and their territory of rule. With only so much land, food, and supplies and it was obvious that some houses began becoming far more superior leaving others at the bottom. At daybreak, the houses began the slow walk toward the arena for the day’s contests. As with tradition, the elite houses were lead first receiving the highest praise and attention. First up were the “Elites”, led by the consistently impressive Duchess Mullynation and followed quickly by Viceroy Northside. After the Elites parties had entered, a small parade which was generously provided by Mullynation followed celebrating last week’s victory. The middle-class families began with the ever feuding bothers Earl Caddyshack and Earl Trolljegeren who walked side by side after disagreements on the order outside the gate. After a terrible first month, Landgrave Redface followed stoically allowing nothing to distract his quest to continue his winning streak. The lower-class families brought up the rear beginning with Baron Cadet. Last year was tremendously shameful for this family. The year ended with no food and no supplies requiring Baron Cadet to embarrassingly sell his naming rights for one year as a comical joke to the former Prince Gypsy. In respect of the large sum of money provided to Baron Cadet he will hence be referred to as Baroness Pancake. Sir VegHead the vicious knight came next with his small gang of misfits. Sir VegHead has joined the campaign for the first year after Baron Spence disappeared under mysterious circumstances. He has found it difficult to acquire land in order to warrant a higher ranking title. Finally the most noble hedge knight you’ve ever seen WALKED in last after an embarrassing week. Losing almost everything he owns Sir Hillbilly has struggled gambling away to the lowest of the low classes. One minor victory is overshadowed by some of the toughest losses. His fight has been strong but his challengers have fought stronger. Surly the king has been cruel allowing for possibly weaker houses (Earl Caddyshack) to enjoy more success. Those are the top 8 lords, ladies and knights leading into British Champions Day. Two houses humiliating left out of the entry parade were Viscount Puma and Sir Gypsy who were required to arrive 2 days early their entire hosts in motley for such embarrassingly pathetic losses the week before. After a night of feast and celebration for those 8 houses of honor, the day of competition begins with 5 contests held with two houses pitted against each other. Each contest is slightly different with number of champions and duration of challenge. Possible contests are 2 5v5 halves or 1 10v10 royale. It can be long or short and they are entirely unpredictable. Since I don’t have all day I’ll highlight each event and the most important champions. Landgrave Redface and Sir Hillbilly were drawn a 10 v 10 royale. It was a short contest with the result known soon after it began. The purebred Giant Odell Beckham was let free providing the fans a spectacular show. The 0-year old Elliot and powerful Bell continued to show success with their late finishing speed on turf. Sir Hillbilly was overpowered and overmatched. The champions chosen for today’s contest almost didn’t make it out alive. They were all literally trampled by their opponents with only Julio providing any hope for future success. This was an embarrassment requiring a humiliating early arrival next week. The other embarrassment for the week was a Viceroy Northside flexing his muscles against Baroness Pancake. An odd format, 2 different contests with a 4 v 7 and then 6 v 3. As the 4 Northside champions prepared in their stalls, their 7 challengers appeared confident. As the contest began all champions charged towards their final goal. Brees and Johnson were neck and neck vying for top honors. Stafford and Stewart had respectable showing doing their best to avoid embarrassment. Brown pulled up early to avoid contact in the center. Eventually Hilton, Nelson, Brown, Hauschka causally picked up the pieces after the hard work was done. They strode to what was another embarrassment which was almost avoided. Now Earl Caddyshack and his house are the biggest question marks in England and the Duchess always prepared. Back to the Earl, no one knows how/why he still has land and power. He shows up (sometimes) with his band of misfits and half the time comes out ahead. He was once drunk on the golfcourse, didn’t show up to the event and only fielded 10 champions and WON! He’s definitely one of those shady characters who might be fixing events or doing some illegal activities to keep his land/status. Now looking at the days challenge it’s surprising that Earl Caddyshack avoided embarrassment. Not sure what happened if darkhorse West saved the day or if the Duchess was sympathetic in sparing the Earl. I’m calling mischief. Causing extreme trouble would have been too obvious but it was THAT bad of performance where any he must have saved himself somehow. The Duchess’s champions were strong with Shady and Luck riding side by side. They charged down Smith and Hyde who were off to an early lead. The Duchess remains strong and well-fortified for the weeks to come. Viscount Puma and Sir VegHead’s contest was a muddy mess. Most would’ve called it slop and the champions suffered. Reshad Jones was almost put of his misery after injuring a limb. The brown 4-year old Pryor showed good positioning and body control even with the 9 ½ hand frame. Flashes of brilliance from Michael “won from a claiming event” and consistent speed rounding out the field lead to an average victory. The VegHeads are looking for anything to save a terrible first half but Newton eased up and no other champions appear to be front runners. The middle distance was too hard to cover and no one was able to travel 1 furlong. It will be another lean week for Sir VegHead. The final race of the day featured the Earl Trolljegeren and Sir Gypsy. Sir Gypsy was fallen hard since obtaining Prince last season for a brilliant year. Times are now tough as Prince Gypsy had his heart stolen by Princess Peach and long with it his land and honor. All year Sir Gypsy has fallen from Prince, to Duke to Earl to Knight after betting week after week on lofty exotic bets. The champions take their places one by one in the stalls. This is a sprint so we’ll know the end very soon. Sir Gypsy holds on to his box of trifecta bets. All bets have Lamar Miller for Win with every possible combination setting up Place and Show. Earl Trolljegeren took a conservative route max betting show bets for Brady, Gurly, Anderson and Marshall. He needed to win all three but only caught 1. The odds on favorite Brady took second which was almost tripling his money on that single horse. The other 3 started fast and faded quickly none showed the finishing speed to match Jeffery and Hopkins. Millar took first and Jeffery and Hopkins finished next for Place and Show. He hit his trifecta but it was in the order published this morning. A modest prize will be won but not enough to double his wager. The Earls conservatism allowed him to lose little in the fight. For either to move up bigger gambles will need to be taken. Was that that last race or wait contest confusing? Maybe but maybe not. The “sport of kings” is horse racing so I tried to sprinkle in as many horse terms as possible. Now let’s get back to the story. With the weekly races over let’s check the odds for the year-end championship. Duchess Mullynation (1/1): at 5-1 the Duchess remains strong with her stampede of triple crown quality horses. With newly acquired jockeys Charles and Evans I do not see her slowing down. With RB trouble a short term concern a 1 and 1 week 7 and 8 could happen but won’t result in much concern Viceroy Northside (3/2): David Johnson on his massive black stallion will always be the single favorite. Ware continues to show a late kick on good finishing speed but Charles scares me. Only concern is can this consistency across the board continue Landgrave RedFace (3/1): After acquiring some proven winners injury issues will require him to run some untested maidens. Look to see if these newcomers can run with the big boys (and phillys) Earl Trolljegeren (5/1): The purebred Brady will surely add constancy for top times and fast races. Not sure who invited the ram to the horse races but he looks slow and below par. Jones, Marshall and Cooper should normally have a few furlongs between the three of them each week Viscount Puma (5/1): after recovering well from embarrassment the jockeys should be in good form leading into week 7. Quick starts are needed but more importantly are even runs. You don’t need to Win to get paid. Getting Places and Shows each week will keep the Viscount above 50% and safely in triple crown contention Baroness Pancake (7/1): with one triple crown winner Brown enjoying a strong season other jockeys need to help the Baron(ess) win some exotics. With a team like this an exotic is one of the only ways he’s going to win. 100 $1 trifectas should be bought and hopefully you catch a winner that pays out big. Johnson, Gore, Matthew. Earl Caddyshack (10/1): can’t use your tricks to cheat a win every week. Somehow the Earl has drawn injury ridden RedFace this week. If it’s a sprint he’ll have a chance. Sounds like he’ll be better Daily Doubles with West and Jones strong week 6 runs. Not sure why he’s starting a Bronco and having Sanders ride bareback… Sir Hillbilly (10/1): again… not sure why he’s starting a bronco on bareback. This is horse racing people! He’s got a win-place bet on Kendricks/MIN DST. That could pay out big if it hits. Baron Gypsy (12/1): the newly named Baron won enough last week to promote himself to Baron. That could very well disappear next with his go big or go home attitude. Wilson Freeman Jeffrey are some expensive bets that have proven to win big or lose big Sir VegHead (15/1): has won some claims last week to improve the middle distant races. He’s preparing for slop and tough weather. He might have the horses but can he choose the right riders. Howard, Ajayi, Blount, Forte, Hill have all shown they can cover a quarter of a quarter-mile. Next week at Doncaster: Duchess Mullynation (1/10) v Sir VegHead (7/1) Landgrave Redface (1/1) v Earl Caddyshack (2/1) Baron Gypsy (3/2) v Sir Hillbilly (2/3) Baroness Pancake (3/1) v Viscount Puma (1/4) Viceroy Northside (1/3) v Earl Trolljegeren (2/1) Appreciate all the views and reads. Cheers!
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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