It's about that time again, folks. Just as the waning days of summer will soon be upon us, it's time for that biting, blustering North wind that is fantasy football to come cutting back into our lives once more. Each year we look upon the upcoming season with hope and promise, and each year only one team ends up holding the Schadenfreude. Maybe last season seems like a distant memory. Maybe y'all don't recall that sinking feeling (weekly, for many of you) that this week's match just isn't going to happen for you. Maybe you're a little too hopeful, and it's time to put a halt on that case of champagne you just ordered on Amazon. "B-but Andrew, I've found these great new websites with all this analysis and they said you can be a champion with these three easy steps and I feel really good because I think last year I had some bad injuries and geez if the schedule had been different I could have won a couple mo-" Allow me to be your reality check. Those memories of last year cannot be permitted to go gently into the night. It happened - good and bad (and hilarious) - and there ain't no party like a nostalgic party. So with that introduction, let me use the power of song (specifically classic songs) to refresh all y'all's memories. This is how it went down last year, starting from the top on down. The Mullynation (1st Place)No one's going to be complaining after securing her first Schadenfreude and seeing her name finally carved into the trophy, right? MN really thought that her 2015 team was going to seal the deal, and frankly NSA was playing like a juggernaut this past season, so grasping that trophy was particularly sweet this past January. Who cares how you get to the end result if that end result is a championship? Nothing to say here folks, other than we've got a happy gal with fond memories. Song choice: Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper (1983) This really requires no explanation. Runner-up: Killer Queen - Queen (1974) Aaaaand neither does this. Northside Angels (2nd Place)As stated above, NSA had a phenomenal season with a herculean effort by David Johnson. The Red Zone's points-scored leader fell just short in the 2017 championship, missing its first title and instead succumbing to MN for the third time in one season. It would appear that MN was NSA's kryptonite in a big way last year, and was pretty much the only thing that stood between NSA and a title. Still, NSA should feel proud of its domination of non-MN teams, and its best finish in franchise history. Not only that, but David Johnson is keepered for one more year. The future isn't all gloom and doom here, even if you were achingly close to a title before falling just short. Song choice: Peace of Mind - Boston (1976) NSA shouldn't be taking those three losses too hard. Keep that chin up, Mike. Runner-up: Don't Bring Me Down - ELO (1979) A futile cry to MN to please stop beating him by five points or less. It's too much. Indian Outlaws (3rd Place)Well, even after a truly putrid start, IO managed to keep the streak going for the sixth straight season, always finishing in the top-3. That was mostly handled by the heavy lifting of a ridiculous RB corps. Though David Johnson wasn't among them, Zeke Elliot, LeVeon Bell, and Jay Ajayi formed what may be the best overall RB corps in the history of the league. Still, it wasn't enough to push past NSA in the semifinals, and IO ended up in the consolation bracket. There's not too much left to prove anymore; as long as IO keeps that top-3 streak going, it's all good. Song choice: Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen (1975) Hey, this team may not have been born to be champs, but damn if that RB position wasn't chiseled out of granite. Runner-up: Hotel California - The Eagles (1977) You probably could have gotten some pretty decent odds that IO wasn't going to crack the top-3 after being the lowest-scoring team in Week 1 and then subsequently Week 2, but The Red Zone doesn't get off the hook that easily. 302 Cadets (4th Place)What an unbelievable season 302 had. I mean really, after I erroneously picked them as the worst overall team post-draft, they went on to not only make the playoffs, not only advance to the semifinals, but very nearly beat IO to seize the third spot. I could not have been more wrong about how 2016-2017 would go for those Cadets, and I'm here to grovel, Derek. 302 had been mired in five straight years of finishing either sixth or seventh, so this fourth-place finish is the new high-water mark for the Cadets. I may not have seen that potential early on, but I certainly came to respect it come playoff time. Song choice: True Colors - Cyndi Lauper (1986) Derek knew his true colors all along, and he just needed the chance to show them to the rest of us. Runner-up: Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac (1977) Besides being the best song on this entire list, this fits the 302 season like a glove. Vicious Veg-Heads (5th Place)Not a bad first season for our rookie, huh? Sure, the draft was a little tumultuous, that Jordy Nelson <--> Jamaal Charles (not including Spencer Ware) trade was a bust, and the WR corps didn't quite pan out, but VV managed to sneak into the playoffs nonetheless. And what a sneaky move that was! Maybe some of you have forgotten (I certainly haven't) that upon the conclusion of the regular season, everyone thought that VV was out and RG was in. Of course, that was a misunderstanding of the league rules, and VV was essentially saved from the hangman's noose at the last second by a lovely deus ex machina. Let's see if VV can make the playoffs this coming season without any divine intervention. Song choice: Higher Love - Steve Winwood (1986) See aforementioned "divine intervention;" also, there's not enough love for this song. Runner-up: Learning to Fly - Tom Petty (1991) Ups and downs along the way, but flying is a hell of a thing. It takes some time. Twin City Tree Cats (6th Place)Damn, what a shame. TC2 was a force all season, grabbing good free agents, making good moves, and winning a whole lot of games. In fact, by games-won, TC2 should have been the #2 seed behind MN, not IO. The only reason IO was the #2 seed was due to winning the Shotgun division. TC2 had a fantastic year, but collapsed due to injuries at the absolute worst time. Melvin Gordon, AJ Green, and CJ Prosise, all got nicked up right around playoff teams, basically neutering our beloved Cats. Don't worry Danno; I remember what could have been. *cue Robin Williams* "It's not your fault!" Song choice: When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin (1971) If losing a top-5 RB, top-5 WR, and your best free agent pick-up all right at playoff time isn't a levee breaking, I don't know what is. Runner-up: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot (1976) Best rock song there ever was about succumbing to the elements. Lightfoot really brings the tragedy here. 90* Putters (7th Place)Okay, I'll take full responsibility for being wrong about 302 pre-season, but I think we all need to look in the mirror and realize that we underestimated 90* come consolation bracket time. I really don't think anyone saw them escaping tenth place, but then they went and won the damn bracket in dramatic fashion. Kudos, Chris. 90* was the reverse-TC2. They stunk all year, saving up their energy for the post-season, and then unleashed it in a fury on their opponents. Can't say I saw that coming. Hey, if you can't make the playoffs, at least you got to absolutely kick the crap out of your fellow non-playoff teams...? Song choice: Like A Prayer - Madonna (1989) God answered your prayers, Chris. That's the only explanation for that burst. Runner-up: Don't Stop Believing - Journey (1981) I really wanted to avoid using such a cliched pick, but I eventually I realized there was no other logical choice. 90* didn't give up. Troll Hunters (8th Place)After a lovely (albeit brief) vacation to the playoffs in the 2015-2016 season, TH resumed its place back on the outside looking in. Hayden, you know we all love you, but that's not enough. You need to score some loving from our collective seductive mistress, Fantasy Football. You've been blue-balled for six straight years now. Even in the battle of the Hanson bros, 90* somehow managed to score a truly miraculous end-of-the-year victory, finishing one spot ahead of TH. You may be a passive, peaceful guy, but maybe it's time to toss Bruce Banner to the wind and bust out your angry inner Hulk. This shit is getting serious. Song choice: I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner (1984) At this point, TH hasn't even been a case of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." More like, always an usher, or maybe a drunk uncle getting handsy with a random guest. Runner-up: Running On Empty - Jackson Browne (1977) Full disclosure: originally I queried this song for 90* due to his ridiculously terrible RB corps. But the more I listened to it, the more I realized that this song was more of a chronic longing, rather than an isolated case. Chronic longing = TH. River Gypsies (9th Place)Well, well, well. Going into the 2016-2017 season, there were two teams with multiple championships. Two teams who had never missed the playoffs. Two teams who had never finished outside the top-3. That's a little different now, thanks to Deandre Hopkins and Lamar Miller. As mentioned in the VV blurb, RG was poised to slip into the playoffs as the sixth seed, but the rules disagreed. What then followed was a post-season collapse, resulting in an unprecedented ninth-place finish for our Gypsies. While this is an indelible stain upon the RG brand, there's no doubt RG will continue to rank itself among the elites. Of that, we have no doubt. Song choice: Take Another Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin (1969) I can just picture Gentry singing this song to the skies, lamenting the way Fantasy Football has him wrapped around her finger. Runner-up: Renegade - Styx (1978) What's more appropriate than a song about a bad man finally getting caught up in his pitfalls? Oh... I guess "Take Another Piece of My Heart" is more appropriate. Carry on. Big City Hillbillies (10th Place)Damn. I feel like this happens every year in some fashion. BCH was fourth in regular season points-scored (behind NSA, MN, IO), yet missed the playoffs. Not only that, but despite having almost certainly the best overall team in the losers' bracket, BCH ended up putting up a pitiful performance and securing last place. Sometimes, shit just happens. BCH actually made a number of savvy moves throughout the season, and pre-season they were seen as a downright fearsome team. That just somehow didn't translate into anything of note. 2017-2018 redemption tour, anyone? Song choice: Fast Car - Tracy Chapman (1988) Chapman manages to enmesh this quality of hope and futility, mixed up with a nice dose of melancholy, into a perfect song. Cheers, Evan. Runner-up: Jump - Van Halen (1984) Yup, it's exactly what it sounds like.
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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