Turn Down for Watt, otherwise known as “The Champs”
Well if we’re going to be rehashing all the drafts, we may as well start with the obvious front-runner, mine. In forgoing Zac Stacy as a keeper (who trusts a volume back for back-to-back years without his starting QB? Dat boy gon’ break down), I solidified my core with AJ Green and Eddie Lacy as my WR1 and RB1. The master plan was taking shape. I was going to nab Forte for up to $60, and RB was going to be an undeniable strength on my team. Alas, with the repeat championships in tow, ESPN’s fantasy program decided to impose a sanction on me. With every other Tier 1 and Tier 2 RB gone (except Ben Tate), and Forte on the line for $52, my computer froze. Forte was gone in an instant, and ESPN and my league-mates smiled at their hopes for a championship. That was the only blip I’ll have this season as I shred through all of your teams like paper. I regrouped, decided to invest more in my QB position and TE position, while also funnelling more money into middle WR talent. This, though not a part of my original plan, was obviously the best plan, simply because it’s what got me my All-Star squad. I feel like this is just redundant here. Just look at that team. Just look at it. But really, my RB2 position is a liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle thin. Like maybe a smidgen. Just a bit. I wanted Jennings, but as a Flex/RB3. He’s the man in New York, and with Eli still afflicted by his mental retardation, I think Jennings will have plenty of work to do. That’s going to be Fantasy Savant Move #1. I wanted Vereen, but also as a Flex/RB3. Those guys just graduated to RB2 school! Vereen is going to take over for Ridley in New England because Ridley has no fingers on his hands and Bill Belichick isn’t super fond of fumblers. Fantasy Savant Move #2 is going to be the development of Devonta Freeman, AKA Mr. Ghost. This guy is so obscure he doesn’t have a picture on ESPN. This guy is so obscure Daniel wouldn’t know his music at a record store. This guy is so obscure that Gentry wouldn’t know this guy if he worked at Chic-fil-A. Mr. Ghost is going to ascend the ranks ala Zac Stacy and thrust himself purposefully into fantasy relevance. Or he’s going to be terrible and make me wish I grabbed Jeremy Hill. Yup, I'm going to regret not getting Hill. Oh and paying $10 (when I had budgeted $9) for the Seahawks defense was a brilliant move. If one of you guys did it I would laugh so hard and rip you in this review, but since I did it, it's obviously brilliant guys. Look at those points every week. How could it fail? Might as well start putting my name on the trophy now, right after I finish (and start) making it. Team Kanne, otherwise known as “The Calhoun Club” Marvel at Kanne’s drafting strategy and tremble. With the tagline “I thought autodraft could do it better,” ringing in all of our ears, Kanne’s strategy of inexplicably leaving during the draft to go for a run around Lake Calhoun will be put to the test. But first let’s start with the keepers. Nelson: $13 (One-year) Decker: $16 (Two-year) Great googly moogly. Look at that Decker pricetag. I’ve got nothing against white-boy Jordy. That scrappy, lunch-pail guy can play. But Decker? With Geno “I can overthrow anyone, including middle eastern regimes” Smith throwing him the ball? And for a good $10 more than what he was valued at? That’s a head-scratcher. After assembling an amazing RB1 and RB2 punch of Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster, Kanne decided enough was enough and left. The AutoDraft genius decided to jump on Colin Kaepernick, the same guy who had three sub-200 yard games out of his last five, including a 127-yard, 0 TD, 3 INT doozy. What could go wrong with him at the helm? The rest of the team is remarkably unremarkable, a consistent trait of autodrafted teams. Luckily Kanne returned to the draft with his team down to a $1-per-slot budget, ready to save the day and get some value/sleeper picks! Right? Right? Kanne may have been onto something regarding his own talents compared to AutoDrafting, given that, upon his return, he promptly took two more QBs (on top of Kaep and RG3), two more WRs (bringing his total to 6), while mostly ignoring any semblance of an RB3. Kanne’s RB3 is the illustrious Knile Davis, of “being a backup RB” fame. That was his last pick of the draft. Adrian and Arian can’t play every week, and when they don’t, Knile will be there to bring Kanne’s opponents the W. Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar, otherwise known as “The Expendables” Evan has a sound mind for fantasy football, or at least he has a pretty good track record in previous years. Given that, I’ll acknowledge his the Quote of the Draft, which is as follows: “my team is like 2010 all stars” Indeed it is, Evan. Indeed it is. Keep in mind this choice quote was when his team included Frank Gore, Marques Colston, and Reggie Wayne. Although I think Hyde is going to take over for Gore and Hilton is going to take over for Wayne this season, I think those guys offered some value at their price point. The thing is, Evan then went and bought Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Fred Jackson. There’s something to be said for finding value, but when those guys start breaking down mid-season (excluding Fred Jackson, who doesn’t age), Evan’s team is going to get weaker and weaker right around playoff time. The old farts are going to lose their playing time to the young guns (Hyde, Cooks, Hilton, DEVONTA FREEMAN, [insert Raiders RB here], and Spiller), and Evan is going to be left with nothing. To his credit (did I mention his sound fantasy football mind?), he made a strong push for Vereen. Sorry Evan. He and ESPN took Forte at $52, and there’s no way in hell I would let him take Vereen for $13. That guy is all mine. The mullynation, otherwise known as my wife’s team Sorry boys, but I know where my bread is buttered. It’s going to be tough for me to rip this team too far, considering I was consulted on most major picks. I will use this opportunity to rip you all once more, this time in regards to Andrew Luck. How on earth did you let Allyssa get Luck for $12? $12. $12! That’s less than I paid for Cam Newton, and he’s playing behind a tissue paper O-line and throwing to a rookie in Kelvin Benjamin and [insert Panthers TE here] since Greg Olsen is taking a leave of absence to tend to his ill son. Cam is going to have no time to throw, and he’s not goin---I mean, Cam is the best! He’s going to help me win the league. Brilliant move. Brilliant. Luck is the lynchpin of that offense, with Trent Not-so-Richardson (Pretty sweet nickname, eh?) and Ahmad Bradshaw being their best ground options. Actually scratch that. Luck is their best ground option. He may look like an Amish baby that someone dropped on his head, but he can run towards the hole and he’s pretty big, and that makes him better than T-Poor (Can’t stop, sorry.) and Bradshaw. Well, maybe Bradshaw isn't so bad really, but he always get injured. It's only a matter of time. Fantasy Savant Move #3 does not belong to me, but my wife. Kelvin Benjamin, of “being really really tall and kind of fast” fame, will be the focal point of my man Cam’s offensive firestorm. Cam will earn me a third consecutive championship, while Benjamin brings the mullynation to her first championship appearance, and subsequent loss. The only thing I’m going to really rip the mullynation for is drafting a filthy racist. Riley Cooper? Come on. Why couldn’t you fill out your WR depth with a nice guy like Josh Gordon? I think Plaxico Burress is still available too. The Chicken Chaser, otherwise known as “Help Me Peyton Manning, You’re My Only Hope” Hayden has hitched his wagon to Peyton Manning, something none of us can fault him for. After earning over 400 points last year, Peyton is not a bad guy to keeper, especially for $21. The problem lies with keepering Ball for $19. Considering he’s a volume back (has been for years) with limited flash and talent, I’m just not buying the hype. Furthermore, his value was right around $30, meaning a precious keeper slot only netted Hayden about ten bones. I can’t say I blame him though, when you look at that pile of hot garbage he had to choose from. Hayden’s team last year included other possible keepers such as: S. Ridley (cost to keeper: $20) L. Miller ($21) T. Richardson ($53) B. Bolden ($6) R. Wayne ($23) M. Wallace ($21) P. Garcon ($13) A. Boldin ($11) D. Hopkins ($8) D. Moore ($7) Other than Garcon (who is the bomb, because he’s on my team), every other instance would have been overpaying. In fact, I’m applauding Hayden for discarding the wreckage of that team and picking two viable keepers. So now let’s look at the talent he put around his two keepers. … Excluding Zac Stacy, this isn’t exactly a 2013 All-Star team. I mean really! We’ve got Spiller and Cruz playing big roles in the lineup, and what exactly did they show last year to instill confidence? Furthermore, we don’t know how Cobb is going to come back, and he’s looked brutal in preseason and in practice. And Stacy… That scrub’s QB just went down for the season, so all the defensive pressure is going to be on him. Benny Cunningham and Tre Mason are ready to relieve the Staced God, and he also plays six games against the Seahawks, Niners, and Cardinals. Consider me a non-believer. Littlefinger--TheEntrepreneur, otherwise known as “I Need a New Team Name So Badly” I’ve got three problems with this team. First, who chooses not to use a keeper slot? And this was the two-year slot! So for the next two years, Chris will only have one keeper, compared to everyone else’s two. Big tactical error there, chief. Shane Vereen was sitting right there for $11, but Chris couldn’t make the commitment. Well don’t worry Shane, because I’m ready to commit to you buddy. Next we’ve got Trent Richardson at $17. This guy is built like a house, but he moves about as well as a house does also. With one of the worst seasons in recent RB memory last year, Trent at $17 seems like some kind of joke. I think I’d pay $17 to keep that headache off my team and free up a roster spot. Of course, Chris has him currently slotted as a flex play, so at least we don’t need to worry about him getting used much. Wait what’s that? The two RBs ahead of him are Reggie “Still Dreams about Sheldon Brown” Bush and Toby “My Offensive Line just went to IHOP” Gerhart. We can’t expect Reggie to play the whole season, and as much as I want to believe in the Albino Rhino, I think Toby is going to break down with the set of five-year-olds blocking for him. And then, ladies and gentlemen, we have the worst pick in the draft. Johnny Freaking Football got drafted. This guy is not even a starter! He’s got Hoyer the Destroyer in front of him, who not only looked pretty good last year in his limited action, but has looked pretty good so far this preseason. And that’s all it takes to be a successful Browns QB: being pretty good. Johnny, on the other hand, has looked exactly like a 21 year-old narcissistic coke-fiend would be expected to look, if that narcissistic coke-fiend also could not play QB. Because so far, Johnny cannot play QB. He’s too busy doing cocaine in Vegas bathrooms, and then getting photographed doing so. Whoops. Even if Johnny were the starter, which he’s not, let’s look at the setup he’d have. Undeniably, the Browns have a great offensive line...and then that’s it. I’m not buying Jordan Cameron as an elite TE. I think he was the product of Norv Turner last year, a hallmark of Turner’s offenses. Who is Norv working with now? The Vikings? So that would mean Kyle Rudolph must be primed for a good season, huh? Yup. That’s why he’s on my team. Johnny has a new offensive coordinator, no Josh Gordon, and his top two wide-outs as Miles Austin (surprised he’s not on Evan’s team…) and Baby Hawk. Drop this fool, Chris. Hakuna Ngata, otherwise known as “The Wanna-be Expendables” Gentry, like Evan, has a sound fantasy football mind. I consider him my primary nemesis when we play fantasy football. That may be about to change. Gentry, like Evan, decided to draft mediocre players to his team. Why? Who knows what goes on in that head. At least Evan has the excuse that his players used to be truly elite. Gentry instead opted for the over-the-hill gang that used to be good, not great. Why he would think they’ll be great now, in their older age, is beyond me. We’ve got Roddy White ($18), Ray Rice ($14), Chris Johnson ($8), and Run DMC ($3). Not exactly Murderer’s Row. On top of the fact that none can play football well, we’ve got a dog-killer sympathizer and general moron, a wife-beater (and dragger), a man who has an unironic set of grills, and Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable. Giovanni Bernard, one of Gentry’s two RB2s (where was that RB1 again?), has the problem of being named Giovanni. If playing Pokemon has taught us anything, it’s that people named Giovanni do not do well at taking control of situations. Giovanni repeatedly got beaten by the young upstart Ash Ketchum (or in my game, D’BRICKASHAW Ketchum), and the same motif will be played out in real life now. Jeremy Hill is legit. He’s going to get 200 touches, with Gio getting about the same. Benjarvus Green-Ellis has breathed his last as a Bengal, and will be a non-factor. If Giovanni were not named Giovanni, he would have tacked on 10 pounds to avoid the inevitable injuries and also to run inside the tackles. Unfortunately for Gentry, Bernard is woefully incapable of running inside the tackles, where Hill excels. Spending $35 on a guy named Giovanni is bad news, especially when he’s about to get upstaged by D’BRICKASHAW Hill. As I already mentioned in the write up for Chris' team, I'm not on the Jordan Cameron bandwagon. I expected more from my rival, so I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Still though, I'm giving out Fantasy Savant Move #4 for grabbing Jeremy Maclin. He was a major target of mine, but I just didn't have the cash at that point. I think Maclin is going to have a fantastic season being Foles' primary target, and since Gentry and I think exactly alike, it doesn't surprise me that he thought so too. I would have gladly spent the $13 on Maclin if I had been able to keep to my original plan, but with the switch up after Forte, I was a little more desperate for RB help, so I couldn't spare--- I mean I have Green, Harvin, Garcon, with Jennings and Smith backing up. Who am I kidding? I'm totally fine! 302 Cadets, otherwise known as “the Jailbirds” Until the fate of Johnny Manziel was settled with Auction #145, the most puzzling bid was for one Matt Prater, troubled kicker for the Broncos. Prater was born to kick field goals, no doubt, but he also was born to get wasted, which is not super awesome. With a four-week suspension in hand, he now joins Derek’s team. Derek reportedly was unaware of such a suspension, and interestingly, he drafted another suspended player: the mercurial Dwayne Bowe. Was this negligence, or some kind of grand protest against the commercialization of scoring points in fantasy football games? Maybe he just got tired of points. Here’s your breath of fresh air, Derek. Ridley as the RB2 is great news for the league also! With Vereen coming up fast in New England, expect an RB2-sized hole that Darren Sproles, Bernard Pierce, Chris Ivory, Donald Brown, and LeGarrette Blount just can’t fill convincingly. Another issue arose in the draft with Derek’s keepers. For those of you who missed it, Derek had selected Jamaal Charles ($38) and Vernon Davis ($17) as his two keepers. Not bad picks, compared to some other teams here. The problem was, Derek instead wanted to keep Emmanuel Sanders as his two year keeper, with this year’s cost being $7. Now I know Derek loves his Steelers (or in this case former-Steelers), but keepering Sanders comes with a couple questions. We're simply not sure what role he's going to carve out in the Denver offense, since we haven't seen a single down yet. Peyton isn’t exactly a spring chicken anymore, and without him (God forbid he gets injured), Sanders’ fantasy value would be completely shot. Two-year keepers are supposed to be reliable studs, someone you know 100% you can count on for two whole years while also getting a deal. The deal part is there with Sanders, the 100% reliable is still up in the air. He very well may prove to be worth keepering (which wouldn't surprise me), but for now, he's a big unknown. For whatever reason, Derek’s last minute change of Davis for Sanders didn’t stick, and Derek was left with Davis. I tried to fix it in the only way I knew how, but it didn’t work. We're going to have to see what happens. It may be for the best, Derek. We just don't know. Team Spence, otherwise known as “Hey Guys, So What’s Fantasy Football Again?” Every league has that guy that shells out a bunch of money on one big name every year. That guy is Alex Spence. Spence doesn’t budget. Spence doesn’t look for value. Spence finds those names he recognizes and hits that “Bid” button until his finger breaks. Last year it was Ray Rice for a bajillion dollars. “Hey guys, who’s the best runningback in the league?” “Uh I don’t know, lot’s of people think Shady McCoy.” “Oh great thanks!” Cue Spence dropping $60 on McCoy The fact that he also spent big money on Larry Fitzgerald is just icing on the cake. Dat name recognition doe. It also would be an injustice if I didn’t address the fact that Spence keepered Russell Wilson. FOR TWO YEARS. He’s paying $12 for him this year and $17 for him next year. Now I have no beef with Russell as an actual NFL quarterback; he plays his role well. But for fantasy? Give me a break. This guy is a game manager with his only upside being running. The Hawks rely on their defense (who are mine, holla at me) and their running game to win games. Russell is asked to not make mistakes, and make a few plays each game to control the flow, which he does very well. Guess what Spence? That doesn't help in fantasy football. I know he likes the Seahawks, but there are limits, man. You don’t see me paying $12 for Teddy Bridgewater. Spence paid $12 for Russell, which is the same price that Allyssa paid for Andrew Luck. That has to be a joke, right? Look at the upside on Luck, then back to Wilson. Back to Luck, then to Wilson. Blink your eyes. Now smile with delight as you realize that Spence is also locked in to overpay next year, to the tune of $17! I just went to review the draft and point out what kind of a player you can get for $17, but the first name that popped up was Trent Richardson. Ok Spence, you’re right. I’d rather have Wilson. Jacquizzle My Nizzle, otherwise known as “WR is a Thing Now?” So Daniel went with the old strategy of establishing a strong RB core, then spending a diminished budget on smart, value WR picks. The problem for Daniel is the part about choosing smart, value WR picks. His WR1 is Torrey Smith. No, I’m not kidding. WR2 is Michael Floyd. Now I liked Floyd and actually had him on my list of potential guys, slotted in as a fill-in WR3 when needed. Value around $8-10. I did not have him slotted in as an every-week WR2, which Dan has done. We then have the world-beaters of Sammy Watkins, who has looked absolutely overwhelmed in preseason against second-stringers, Wes Welker, who is one hit away from thinking he’s a potato, and Justin Hunter, who has Jake Locker (I was spending a long time trying to think of a Jake Locker joke, and by the time I thought of one, he was already on IR) throwing him the ball. Or at least throwing the ball in the general direction of him. As for the RBs, who told Dan that Lynch was worth $56? Since 2011 no one has carried the rock more than Marshawn, and with his physical style, he could be headed for a serious downturn ala Ray Rice. Remember when Spence paid $60 for Rice last year? That went well. Behind Seattle’s paper-thin offensive line, Lynch is getting no favors. And furthermore, with a solid backup set like Turbin and Michaels waiting in the wings, he’ll see more of a timeshare like Gio. An investment of $50+ has to be saved for a special player, someone who is undoubtedly the top dog on his team. Peterson, McCoy, Charles, Lacy, and Forte are in that club. Lynch no longer is. This was a mistake that has crippled the rest of Dan’s team. Picking up someone like Vereen would have saved $40 that could have been spent to get a Dez Bryant, for example. A combo of Martin, Ellington, and Vereen would still be formidable, though I have my doubts about Martin also. Unless Lynch delivers huge, this team is not making it to the playoffs. In Conclusion: Well after wading through all the muck of all of your teams I’m pleased to announce that you all have a very long 2014 season ahead of you. I am looking forward to beating each and every one of you, and I hope that you guys can get some semblance of order amongst your teams so we don’t need to see a bunch of awful matches. My predictions: #1 seed: Turn Down for Watt #2 seed: Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar #3 seed: The mullynation #4 seed: Hakuna Ngata #5 seed: 302 Cadets #6 seed: Team Spence #7 seed: The Chicken Chaser #8 seed: Jacquizzle My Nizzle #9 seed: Team Kanne #10 seed: Littlefinger TheEntrepreneur
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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