Buckle up, homies. The 2016 fantasy football season has officially been thrust upon us once more by August’s girthy manhood. Hold back those tears, clutch that pillow, and just imagine how carefree and happy you used to be back in May. That’s naught but a distant memory. As is custom, we need an over-the-top, brutally-critical, and really not-all-that-funny rapid reaction to the draft, and I think I’m the man to do it. I will warn y’all, I’m probably only going to write a couple pieces for the Red Zone this year, so I better make this one worth your while, yeah? It’s gonna be looooong. I’ve got caffeine pills, two pillows on my chair, and a big ol’ glass of malk. I’m fucking ready. So, obviously I’m going to review all the moves from the other night’s draft. I’m going to hit the high points, hit the low points, and I’m also going to highlight one particular move for each franchise that is the most “typical” of that franchise in particular. This may be hard to describe right now, but I swear you’ll catch on quickly as we move. Then at the end of the post, I’m also going to include some league-wide data just in order to anger as many of you as possible. I do love efficiency. I’ve taken the liberty of excel-ifying all of our draft data, which hopefully y’all can appreciate or enjoy. I’ve got graphs that show how each team spent their precious draft capital. “But wait, Andrew! What about teams whose construction was heavily influenced by the value and cost tied to their keepers, like the Indian Outlaws spending a meager $17 combined on a WR1 and RB2? Wouldn’t their respective pie charts be kind of limited in utility?” “By golly you’re right, little man! Thanks for the heads up. I’ll counter that problem by also making a different pie chart for each team, but this one will not include their chosen keepers. That way, it will literally only show what they actually chose to purchase during the auction, better showing their mindset.” “Jeepers, Andrew. You’re really smart.” “ty bby. Let’s rage.” Indian OutlawsIndian Outlaws (Shotgun Division) Yup, we’re going to start with the Outlaws, as usual. All in all, I’m pleased with this draft class. Starting off with Beckham and Rawls for $17 was a luxury. I didn’t actually plan to draft Elliot, but the $48 I paid was less than the $51 that I valued him at, so I ain’t mad. Eddie Lacy is my muse, my flame. This dude has literally been on my fantasy team for every single minute of his professional career. I have never not had Eddie Lacy. Ride or die. Grabbing Melvin Gordon was solely a “because I can” move. I see him as a best-case low-end RB1 if he sorts his shit out, but more likely a mid-tier RB2. I had money saved after Elliot, Lacy, and Allen, so I sprung for Melvin. Sue me. I know I overpaid, but I’m going to laugh as it works out just fine. I firmly believe in Melvin Gordon this year. To all of you readers from the future coming back to re-visit this post, be sure to text some leaguemates (mostly the River Gypsies) and mock them about how the Indian Outlaws hoarded the RB talent in 2016, and how so many teams got sidetracked with their RB injuries. Really give it to ‘em. Yeah, my WR depth is thin, not Spence-thin, more Gentry-thin. I was budgeting for Melvin around $15-20, leaving me about $17 to grab another WR (namely Josh Gordon). That didn’t happen. Eh. Corey Coleman, Tajae Sharpe, and Breshad Perriman will probably only have to be started for a combined two weeks of the year, and the WR spots are otherwise locked down with OBJ and Allen. I’ll live. There’s really nothing else of note. Eric Ebron is going to show why the Lions made him a top-10 draft pick, and he’s going to benefit from their pass-happy offense. Oh, and I’m gonna ride that derpy bro in New Jersey right to another Schadenfreude. Best Move: In hindsight, Eddie Lacy at $41 was a steal. In a draft where Bell went for $63, Charles went for $57, Ingram went for $52, Peterson went for $50, and Matt freaking Forte went for $36, I can absolutely live with Lacy at just $41. Keep in mind, this time last year, this guy was literally the most common #1 pick in fantasy drafts. Worst Move: No doubt, it’s paying $30 for Melvin Gordon. I’m going to sink or swim on that one, but I brought my floaties to San Diego. The water’s fine. Most “Indian Outlaws” Move: It’s the Lacy pick 100%, but I already mentioned it. So in that case, it’s snatching Tevin Coleman away from the River Gypsies for really no reason at all, other than a firm “go fuck yourself.” The MullynationThe Mullynation (Bootleg Division) It’s rare, because when it comes to fantasy football I’m a hopeless know-it-all paired with being an extreme optimist, but I actually don’t like my team the most this year. It’s pathetic too, since my keeper situation was stacked. But no, my draft was not elite-tier. Y’know who’s draft turned out pretty damn well? The Mullynation. Talking with my wife over the last couple weeks has apparently infected her brain with the same nonsense I’m riddled with, since she’s also hoarding RBs like the nukes are already flying. After a decent keeper start of Luck and Robinson for $35, the Mullynation grabbed Mark Ingram and Lesean McCoy for $52 and $38, respectively. No, that’s not a typo. Yes, that’s $38 dollars for Lesean McCoy, the sole RB threat on the NFL team that runs more than any other. Top that off with Jarvis Landry at WR2 and the ever-dependable Jeremy Maclin in the Flex, with a bench of Rashad Jennings, LeGarrette Blount, and Charles Sims, along with some lottery picks, Devin Funchess, Kevin White, and Willie Snead, at WRs4, 5, and 6, and baby you’ve got a stew going. I’ll admit I wasn’t as much of a fan of this team until the final moments of the draft. That’s what changed it from a good draft to a superlative one. Having five legit RB options is rare (not even counting Dion Lewis’ eventual return!), and it’s only a matter of time before the Mullynation starts getting texts about trades. Upgrading the flex to a bonafide blue-chip player would be enough to push the Mullynation into basically uncatchable status, and with the given assets, that’s more likely to happen than not. Best Move: Charles Sims for $1. Lesean McCoy for $38 is close, as is Blount, but getting Sims for $1 immediately made this team break-proof. This team ain’t going anywhere. Worst Move: Paying $7 for Rashad Jennings isn’t bad, per se, but seeing Gio Bernard go for $4 moments later was tough. Jennings holds more value currently than Gio, given his bell-cow status, but there’s not a big gap. An extra $3 at the end of drafts can be monumental. Most “Mullynation” Move: Watching Eric Decker get nominated very early, before she had locked down her targeted WR2, Jarvis Landry. Decker was one of her Flex targets, but she couldn’t pull the trigger on him without making sure she secured Landry first. Her man-candy was gone in an instant, and she’ll have five months to mourn his loss. River GypsiesRiver Gypsies (Shotgun Division) Well, Gentry has done it again. Our little Gary Coleman has found himself a very pretty starting lineup. In fact, it’s arguably the best starting lineup in the Red Zone currently. If injuries can be avoided, this is an easy championship contender. Of course, with Miller and Freeman for $28 combined, it’d be hard to imagine the Gypsies not ending up with a fierce team. But that’s not the point. We’re looking at a lineup of Wilson – Miller – Freeman – Bryant – Jeffery (curse his name) – Demarco Murray (or Donte Moncrief) – Reed. That’s what we folks in the industry like to call a glass cannon. That shit will blow you away, as long as it holds up. We do need to mention the 100% verified, absolutely-going-to-happen, no doubt about it, fact that Devonta Freeman is going to suffer a humiliating collapse, allowing Tevin Coleman to surge ahead into RB1 status. Okay, that’s been mentioned now. And we do need to mention that Dez Bryant’s quarterback, occasional power-bottom, and general life-coach, Tony Romo, currently has a broken spine, and will be out for 10+ weeks, and also the fact that Dez tends to get nicked up, too. Okay, that’s been mentioned. Oh and we do need to mention that Alshon Jeffery (curse his name) is arguably the single most frustrating fantasy asset in the world. He’s easily elite when he’s on the field, but his soft-tissues are made up of a mix between wet newspaper and tapioca pudding. I was able to start him six times in last year’s regular season, and in two of those games he left prematurely with injury. Wait, you’re saying he’s literally already injured his hammy this month? Color me surprised. Mentioned. Oh, and lastly we do need to mention the fact that Jordan Reed, though awesome, is a walking time bomb. His career is literally in jeopardy with one single additional concussion. The only guy who’s brain is more mushy is John Brown. Alright, we’ve mentioned it all. This team is loaded with risk. Interestingly, the River Gypsies didn’t really focus on the bench, which has been a successful strategy for them for the last five years. For the first time in the history, I think the Indian Outlaws squad has a more solid bench than the River Gypsies. It must be a sign of the apocalypse. Best Move: Grabbing Michael Crabtree for $4 was a steal. Make no bones about it. Last season, Crabtree actually outscored his teammate Amari Cooper, and there’s honestly a decent chance that it happens again. It wasn’t that long ago that Crabtree was the best WR prospect since Calvin Johnson. He can ball, and might end up saving RG's ass. Worst Move: Spending $2 on Justin Tucker was a mistake. Spending $2 on the Seahawks was a mistake. Spending $2 on Lavonte David was justifiable, but still a mistake in my opinion. Losing out on an extra $3 in those final draft moments is just brutal. The River Gypsies’ bench could be so much stronger had they saved even one additional dollar, given the deals we had at the close of the draft. Most “River Gypsies” Move: This one is actually a tie. Was anyone remotely surprised when Gentry started nominating DSTs and Ks early on? Newsflash, it’s not novel, and it’s not even a good strategy when you’re nominating them for $2. That’s how you overpaid for Tucker. Nothing wrong with grabbing Bailey, Crosby, or Catanzaro for $1 at the end of the draft. Getting tricksy at the K position, and ultimately grabbing Tucker. Classic. Also, it wouldn’t be a River Gypsies draft if they didn’t grab a solid aging veteran player that most people are second-guessing and staying away from. This ends up with the Gypsies grabbing a guy for less than his market value, and usually he’s a solid option. Fears of age-related-demise are often overblown. Sound like, oh I don’t know, Larry Fitzgerald, anyone? Troll HuntersTroll Hunters (Shotgun Division) The Troll Hunters climbed out of the cellar last season and clinched their first ever playoff berth. With the squad they’ve assembled for 2016, I’d be surprised if they miss out on a repeat visit. I like CJ Anderson as a bounce-back guy this year, much like Randall Cobb, and I think he’s going to be a very solid RB2 for the Hunters. I am mildly worried about Gurley getting stonewalled by defenses that don’t have to worry about the Rams’ QB attack, but Gurley is an elite talent that can hopefully power through those 8-man fronts. I don’t know how much I believe in Matt Jones off the bench, but Derrick Henry was a nice lottery ticket to grab. I don’t think RB will be a concern this year unless there are significant injuries. The WR corps is pretty excellent here. Marshall – Cooper – Cooks – Jones gives a lovely elite ceiling (from Marshall and random Cooks explosions) with a solid floor of dependable targets (from Marshall and Cooper), while Jones could earn himself a big chunk of the pie in Detroit. I see this as the fourth-best WR corps behind VV, BCH, and MN, but you could argue it ahead of MN I think based on Jones’ depth. The bench is…...average. Nobody jumps out, no big values, no big surprises, no nothing really. The bench is basically just “M Jones” x2, + Derrick Henry. That’s alright. Big Ben at QB is middle-of-the-road in my opinion, as he somehow never ends up as an elite fantasy option despite his loaded team. Every year he gets hyped, but he doesn’t break out. We will see. I actually would bet on him this year, but who knows? Best Move: I love the pick of Marvin Jones for $9. He offers upside as well as an established role, and that pricetag is almost one-fourth what was paid for Amari Cooper (which was an overpay, but still). That’s fantastic value. I was targeting him myself, well I was until I paid $1000 for Melvin Gordon. Ah well. When Gurley gets overworked and injured, you know who to call, Hayds. Worst Move: Though I love the WR corps’ combined talent, I’ve got to nit-pick one thing. Marshall at $44 was incredibly steep. Only six total players cost more than Marshall (Julio, Bell, Charles, Ingram, Peterson, Elliot, Green). AJ Green was just two dollars more at $46, and I think anyone would take Green over Marshall in a heartbeat. In hindsight, ponying up that little bit of extra dough (and missing out on a Chris Ivory maybe?) to grab Green would have helped this team a lot. Most “Troll Hunters” Move: I know you love him Hayden, but Amari Cooper at $34 is a straight up overpay. Cooper was outscored last year by Tavon Austin, John Brown, Ted Ginn, and Michael Crabtree, and he went for almost three times their combined draft cost. I understand projecting growth, but that’s a lot. You had blinders like I did with Gordon. 90 Degree Putters90 Degree Putters (Shotgun Division) The Putters have been a reliable fantasy franchise for many years. They’re most often very competitive and well-managed, as evidenced by their championship appearance in 2011 and their nearly 7-0 start last year. That’s why this heap of shit is so surprising. For real, Chris, what happened? You spent $50 on a safe, solid RB1, though admittedly he lacks much PPR upside. But that’s fine. Good pick, and decent value. Then shit hit the fan so hard it sent the fan right through the damn wall. The Putters were left holding the bag at $17 for Carlos Hyde, perhaps the most egregious downward deviation from any projected valuation. It was clear that no one wanted Hyde. No one dared bid him up, unless that’s what the Putters were attempting to do. If that’s the case, I pity you. If you actually think he’ll be a good RB2 this year, I might pity you even more. Five picks later, you grabbed Randall Cobb for $18, and I remember thinking to myself, “Damn, nice get.” Cobb has upper-tier WR2 written all over him this year. And the draft was still young! You still had $98, with your RB1 locked up, WR2 locked up, flex locked up (Baldwin), and a nice rotational RB with Hyde. Mark Ingram was available, AJ Green was available, Alshon Jeffery (curse his name) was available. You could have added another bonafide blue-chip to your team with plenty of money to spare! Instead, your WR ended up looking like this: Cobb ($18) as WR1, Decker ($16) as WR2, Baldwin ($6) as WR3, Michael Floyd ($15) as WR4, Emmanuel Sanders as WR5 ($18), Allen Hurns ($5) as WR6, and Sterling Shepard ($3) as WR7. What is that? That depth is waaaaaay too expensive. Take Decker and Floyd and Sanders and dump their money into a $40+ player, and you still have a great corps! There’s almost no upside to a handful of $18 players. Grabbing Arian Foster to bolster the RB corps was an intriguing option, but it was a bad move for a team built like this. The Putters have a grand total of four RBs on the roster, and only one of them is reliable: Peterson. Hyde has major red flags, Foster breaks down with a mild breeze, and Forsett might be losing his job. If anything happens to Peterson, this team is going to finish in last place. I like the move to grab Brady, but roster spots might be in desperate need on a team like this. If any injury happens in the first four weeks, it might be tough to stand pat as the playoffs slip further and further away. Best Move: Michael Floyd at $15 represents a sound investment. I think he has a nice mix of stability (well-defined role in the Cardinals’ offense) along with elite playmaking ability and red zone prowess. He ended last year on a terrific hot streak, which is a nice plus. Floyd is certainly no guarantee, considering the weapons the Cardinals have, but he’s a nice piece to monitor, and I think he had a great pricetag. Worst Move: Paying Emmanuel Sanders $18 is crazy to me. He is Trevor Siemian’s #2 option in a Gary Kubiak run-heavy offense. That’s bad enough, but palatable. What makes it a thousand times worse is the fact that the Putters already had three nice WRs at that point in the draft. They spent $18 on an overpriced WR to sit on their bench. Most “90 Degree Putters” Move: Grabbing Tom Brady was textbook Putters. I figured he’d end up as a Putter, and surely he did. I was surprised at the pricetag of $11, far more than my valuation of $6, but to see him end up with Chris was no surprise at all. It just fits. Pretty boy with pretty boy. Big City HillbilliesBig City Hillbillies (Shotgun Division) Evan is always a good drafter. He has a plan, hits his marks, and usually ends up right near the top of the post-draft heap. Unfortunately for all of us, there’s nothing new this year. The Hillbillies are rolling out a near carbon-copy of last year’s post-draft Mullynation squad: Big-money QB 2015 Andrew Luck vs 2016 Aaron Rodgers Dependable RB1 with a shaky RB2 2015 Jamaal Charles & Demarco Murray vs 2016 Doug Martin & Ryan Mathews Two Top-5 WRs 2015 Julio Jones & Allen Robinson (well okay we couldn’t see the future, but he ended up WR#4) vs. 2016 Julio Jones & DeAndre Hopkins Mercurial WR flex play 2015 Brandin Cooks vs. 2016 Demaryius Thomas Young, promising bargain-bin TE option 2015 Tyler Eifert vs 2016 Zach Ertz The resemblance in team construction really is pretty strong. If you’ll recall, an injury to Jamaal Charles derailed the Mullynation’s promising season. She didn’t have the relevant KC backup, and the Hillbillies are in the same situation currently, not owning Martin’s backup, Charles Sims. I personally don’t know if it will necessarily matter, as I like both Gio Bernard and Bilal Powell on BCH’s bench, but obviously we all must take note of this omen. Spoooooooooky I think Ryan Mathews is the only thing holding this team back in the slightest. Rodgers can feast on an easy schedule, Julio and Hopkins will outscore literally every other WR1/WR2 combo, and Martin can probably end up around RB10. I like the grab of Tyrod Taylor for just $1, but considering the Hillbillies have Aaron Rodgers starting, that bench spot may be useful for another stash…? Maybe Evan is just being four-weeks-proactive in addressing Rodgers’ bye week? I don’t totally get that call, but I like Taylor regardless. Best Move: Grabbing Bilal Powell for $2 will prove to be a very influential choice. Powell has a chance to be very valuable this season. He’s being paid the same salary as Matt Forte, yet everyone assumes Forte is just going to be given that RB1 job for the Jets. Not so fast. Granted, once the omen comes true and Jamaa- whoa I mean Doug Martin- goes down for the year, I’m not sure Bilal Powell will offer exceptional RB2 scoring, but we’ll wait and see. Any injury to Forte catapults Powell into high-end RB2 discussion. Worst Move: This is a very, very easy choice. The Hillbillies cleverly saved $4 right to the end of the draft, presumably to draft Charles Sims, who not only backs up BCH’s RB1, but has standalone PPR value. That budgeting was smart and was certainly enough to afford Sims. The problem was, the Hillbillies inadvertently filled up one too-many bench spaces before grabbing Sims, meaning they were left with their $4 and only an open space for a starting DST. They grabbed the Patriots DST (for $4) and hoped no one would notice Sims. But alas, that was not meant to be, as the Mullynation scooped him up five picks later for just $1. I don’t want to speak in hyperbole here, but this really is one of the more significant $1 buys in recent memory. Charles Sims had over 1000 yards last year despite being Martin’s backup, and was one of four total players with 100 carries and 50 receptions (Freeman, Ingram, and Duke Johnson). And really, he should have been a Hillbilly. If something happens to Martin, BCH will have no choice but to act on the fly, and and that will shake things up. This one hurts. Most “Big City Hillbillies” Move: It wouldn’t be fantasy football without the bromance between Evan and Julio…or rather the one-way bromance that Evan bestows upon Julio. And rightfully so! Julio is a freaking stud. I’m 82% positive that if Julio Jones walked through Evan’s door right now and propositioned him for sex by saying, “$1000 for sex?” Evan would misunderstand and start writing him a check. After a very productive one-year stint on the Mullynation, Julio is rightfully back in his man’s arms. Susie's Pancakes (302 Cadets) Susie's Pancakes (Bootleg Division) … … Well fuck. Do you hate me, Derek? Do you enjoy making me feel sorrow? Do you enjoy making me feel bad about myself? It kind of seems like it. I mean, you’re just asking for it. You’re just asking for it! I have to rip you. I have to. It’s not up for debate, not with a squad like this. I stood up for you, Derek! I picked you to go to the playoffs last year! You were the chosen one! And this is how you repay me? Oh boy. I suppose I should probably start with Antonio Brown, right? That’s an excellent start. Antonio Brown is a successful NFL player. He is fast and strong and athletic and he also has a nice smile. Okay, that’s enough good news. Egregious overpays on Julian Edelman and DeAngelo Williams cost you $40! $40 on those two, one guy a 30 year-old WR with a recent surgery to put a screw in his foot, playing with a backup QB for four weeks, and the other guy a backup RB with only three guaranteed starts. Brutal doesn’t begin to cover it. On the other hand, paying full market value for Jonathan Stewart ($24) and Jordan Matthews ($12) is fine. I see both as safer, if unexciting, picks. Stewart is steady as they come, and a nice RB2 talent. Matthews can’t be that bad as the WR1 on the Eagles. He’ll simply get targets regardless. $17 on Langford isn’t terrible value either really. That’s actually a couple bucks less than I had him going for, but he’s Jeremy Langford. Greg Olsen at $21 is a good deal. I’m not particularly high on him this year, but he’s a safe upper-tier TE option. Duke Williams for $11 isn’t horrible, but running QBs tend to throw less to RBs than non-running QBs, so we’ll see. Gore at $11 isn’t horrible either, but his O-Line is a shithole. Palmer at $7 is fine, but he’s one hit away from retirement. Are you sensing a pattern here? You spent appropriate amounts of money on everyone (with two enormous exceptions), but you bought guys that have almost zero upside built into their season! There is just no one to get excited about on this team other than Brown, and maaaaaybe Olsen. That's it. The goal of fantasy football is to build a team that can win a championship. Some ways are riskier than others, and lots of people have differing strategies. You’ve managed to find one way that is almost guaranteed not to work, not without significant waiver luck at least. Let’s talk miracles here, shall we? Palmer’s ceiling is Top-3 QB. Stewart’s ceiling is elite RB2. Langford’s ceiling is solid RB2. Brown’s ceiling is #1 overall WR. Edelman’s ceiling is solid WR2. Olsen’s ceiling is Top-3 TE. Matthews, Johnson, Gore, Williams, they all just kinda hang around behind there. In a best case scenario, like absolutely everyone stays injury free and performs very well, you’ve got a squad that’s good enough to lose in the second round of the playoffs to a Luck – McCoy – Ingram – Robinson – Landry – Maclin – Fleener lineup, or a Rodgers – Martin – Mathews – Julio – Hopkins – DT – Ertz lineup. This Pancakes lineup just cannot hit any kind of a high note, not high enough to beat other elite talent. Those RBs have damned you. It’s already doomed. The backbone of this team is as strong as a ninety year-old man’s pork sword. Best Move: I absolutely love the Torrey Smith for $3 grab. Smart, savvy play to grab a team’s WR1, especially when that’s a Chip Kelly fast-paced offense. Now it may not pan out, as Torrey Smith isn’t exactly a phenom or anything, but his ceiling far exceeds his $3 pricetag. Best case scenario, Chip’s offense soars and they run 20% more plays than the average NFL team, like he did with the Eagles. Smith stays their WR1, breaks 1000 yards, grabs 5-7 TDs, and is a reliable flex play or low-end WR2 for basically peanuts. Excellent gamble. Worst Move: Can I just critique general strategy here? The worst move was not taking a single shot on one blue-chip player. No Jamaal Charles, Le’Veon Bell, AJ Green, Rob Gronkowski, or Aaron Rodgers type player. You have Antonio Brown and then a pile of meh. You’re so conservative, Scott Walker wrote your name in on the ballot in Wisconsin. Most “Susie's Pancakes” Move: Another year, another Steelers DST appearance. Clockwork envies you. Northside AngelsNorthside Angels (Bootleg Division) I remember during the draft I looked at the remaining money, and this was still very early on, and when I saw your remaining money, I was floored. We had barely hit auction #30 and you had just $46 remaining. I thought to myself, “Mike is riskin’ it for the biscuit,” and you were. Your lineup at that point was David Johnson, Jamaal Charles, Rob Gronkowski, TY Hilton, and Isaiah Crowell. Damn son. That’s nice. I love the mentality. Yeah you’ve got an elite RB as your cheap keeper. Why not go spend some fucking money and get the best other one available? This is basically the opposite of what the Pancakes tried. You budgeted and paid what you had to pay to get elite talent, then you did the best you could to fill in the remaining holes. Sure, no one’s going to argue your team is deeper than Derek’s, but if your team clicks, you could really go 11-2. The Pancakes simply can’t. I admire the approach, regardless of the outcome. You’re in it to win it. That said, I do have a major problem with how you spent that last $46. I mean, you basically had a super-team in the making, and all you needed were two reliable WRs without question marks. Maybe one in the $16-18 range, and another in the $13-15 range. Then grab a cheap QB, fill out the bench with some $1s, and pray to avoid injuries. The strategy doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. The thing is, you staked your fortune on Golden Tate at $14 and then Drew Brees at $15. I know Breezy is great and certainly proven, but if you’re down to pinching those pennies and you don’t have a WR3 yet, that ain’t the time to drop 50% of your remaining funds on a QB. Tate also bothers me. Marvin Jones is making some serious waves, and people have been saying he’s supplanted Tate as the Lions WR1. If that’s true, and you’re stuck with Tate in the Angels’ WR2 slot, you’re in some trouble. I love that you grabbed Desean Jackson for $4 soon thereafter, but relying on him as your WR3 is scary. Your WR2 might be beat out by Marvin Jones, and your flex is going to cycle between Crowell and Jackson. Compared to other peoples’ flex positions: Thomas, Maclin, Rawls/Gordon, Cooks, Jordy, hell even Danny Woodhead, the Angels are way behind. You want to get into the championship contending tier, find a waiver claim to fix that flex. Best Move: I already mentioned this a lot, but I love that you got Charles to pair with David Johnson. You’ve locked down the best RB pair in the league, even if there isn’t a ton of depth behind. Doesn’t matter. If those two can stay upright and running hard, you’ll win plenty of games just on them and Gronk. That’s an advantage every single week, no matter the opponent. Worst Move: Falling into Tate at WR2 is just killing me. That is such a bad choice compared to similarly-priced talent. Donte Moncreif, Jordan Matthews, and Michael Floyd are all better options in my opinion, but we’ll have to see. If Tate doesn’t produce, you’re going to be scrambling big time. No one wants to see a WR2 – flex combo of Desean Jackson – Isaiah Crowell. Most “Northside Angels” Move: You took your strategy from last year and tried it again. Last year you got an expensive RB1 (Peterson --> Charles), a high-priced QB (Rodgers --> Brees), an elite TE option (Graham --> Gronkowski), TY Hilton ($33 --> $34) as your WR1, and a WR2 that is at risk for losing his job (Mike Wallace --> Golden Tate). Except the difference now is, you have David Johnson as your second RB. I have a feeling it’ll work better this time around. Twin City Tree CatsTwin City Tree Cats (Bootleg Division) Dan, first of all I’ve got to give you props for having the stones to avoid keepering Jeremy Langford. I was worried you’d fall into a trance staring at his estimated auction value and make a snap-decision to keeper him for $6. You didn’t. Good call. The two-year angle of our keeper league keeps things more interesting, in my opinion. There’s more risk and more strategy involved. You have to be smart and play it cool, looking ahead. At this time next year, Jeremy Langford will not be the starting RB for the Chicago Bears. You avoided a Montee Ball situation where next year you would pay $11 for a $1 player, and the value you would have saved in this year’s draft would only be about $10 anyway! Like Tibby, I admire your tenacity in going after Le’Veon Bell. You went for the moon. Unfortunately, I think it ended up being the wrong call, and you went too far. You paid $63 for a guy who is going to miss four (including bye) of the thirteen regular season games. With that, you have a serious risk of not making the playoffs. In four of thirteen weeks, you’re basically fielding a team that had only 2/3 the draft budget of everyone else. That’s a huge disadvantage. Are you going to be able to overcome that to make the playoffs, which is when you would reap the Le’Veon Bell rewards? That’s debatable. Pairing him with AJ Green is a nice get. He’ll get peppered with targets, and I think he’ll end up very near a Top-5 WR. Latavius Murray was an appropriate if unspectacular RB2 option at $24. I like that call. But you didn’t get his backup DeAndre Washington, so we'll see how that goes. Murray has the gig for now. Grabbing Danny Woodhead for an RB3 is another fine choice. $8 is definitely fair, and I imagine he’ll own your flex spot for most of the year. The issue, like the Northside Angels, is how you filled out your remaining WR spots once you got one elite talent. Kelvin Benjamin, to me, might have been the most overpriced WR in the entire draft. I wouldn’t pay $8 for him. He was the beneficiary of tons of targets in his rookie year, but the thing was, he wasn’t actually that effective as a real-life WR. Then he tore his ACL, and his “replacement” Devin Funchess had a very promising rookie season. Camp reports are saying that Funchess is taking the WR1 job away from Benjamin, which seems more than possible due to his mediocre game and subsequent injury. John Brown is the WR3 behind Benjamin, and he’s having tons of concussion-related issues. He was consistent as can be last year, but if he can’t get on the field, what good is he? Tyler Lockett might have to save your bacon, which I could believe. Until Bell comes back, you’re going to be spread really thin. Considering you’re going to need extra help in these first four weeks, I thought it was odd to devote a roster spot to Eifert. That’s a head scratcher. Best Move: Phillip Rivers for $1 is a great deal. Whether you end up streaming or not, he’s a smart option for cheap. His pricetag allowed you to grab some of that depth that you’re going to be relying on until Bell returns, which is the only reason you’ve got a chance to win any of those games. If you had bought Brees for $15 for example, I think you’d go 0-3. Worst Move: Paying $4 for Gostkowski is inexcusable when you’re planning on spending $63 and $46 on your top two guys alone. It’s even worse when you don’t have the head-start of having good keepers. You could have taken the extra $3 you spent on him, combined it with what you paid for Ajayi ($4), and instead gotten one of the bargain-bin starting RBs like Rashad Jennings or TJ Yeldon. Ajayi might do nothing at all. Most “Twin City Tree Cats” Move: Spending $63 on a guy that can’t play for the first three weeks, $4 more on a guy that can’t play for at least the first month, as well as a total of $4 extra dollars on Gostkowski and the Bengals DST. You’re basically just saying, “Fuck it! We’ll do it live!” Vicious Veg-HeadsVicious Veg-Heads (Bootleg Division) Congrats, Dan. You’ve completed your first fantasy football draft! And you have a pretty decent team to show for it. I know not everything went according to your plan (which I can write confidently because Dan and I talked about it), but I think you did a good job of putting pieces together. Let’s start with the fun bit, shall we? Those WRs. Holy smokes. When Sammy Watkins is your third WR, you’re doing aight. You started with Mike Evans and Sammy Watkins as keepers, a duo that could already rival nearly any other duo in our league, but then you went out and spent $38 to bring in Jordy Nelson. The Packers schedule this year is a cakewalk, and I think if Jordy can show some of his old swagger, he’ll make it into the Top-10. With one of those three WRs in your flex every week, you’re going to be winning the flex. The thing is, the draft moved a little quick at that point, and maybe, just maybe, the rookie got swept up. RBs flew off the board like lightning (especially due to the Outlaws, the Mullynation, and the Putters taking two each, on top of all the keepers that were gone), and all the sudden Matt Forte seemed like the only RB left. I’ve got no beef with Forte. I think he’ll string together a fine season, probably end up somewhere around RB16, and he’ll look fine. But he’s not a workhorse anymore, his team is splitting him with Powell, and also, he’s older! He’s not remotely a sure bet. His valuation was around $22. I had him at $24 personally, but most places I looked had lower. You’d budgeted more for an RB1, but now the elite options were gone. You had to spend the money somehow, so you figured you’d change your plan and go for an elite QB to spend the money. That’s good thinking. In a moment, Cam was yours. Forte would get nominated soon. And then he was. That fervor set in, and you were not going to lose Forte. You ended up paying a whopping $36 for him, just two fewer dollars than Lesean McCoy! There’s a time to hold ‘em and a time to fold ‘em, and when you’ve crossed that $30 threshold with Matt Forte, it’s time to reconsider and look for Demarco Murray, Melvin Gordon, etc. You’ve got to adjust that budget on the go. The kicker is, in between Cam Newton and Matt Forte, AJ Green was nominated and sold for $47. If you had budgeted for an RB1 that was now nonexistent, that’s the kind of action you’ve got to take. Grab a blue-chip guy and flip him later. If the RBs are gone, let them be gone. Don’t pay a blue-chip price on another guy just because the other ones are bought already. See who’s left, acquire assets people will want, and get your RB1 three days after the draft through trade. Yeah, you might have to sweeten the deal a little more than you would if you bought him straight up, but wouldn’t you feel better if you bought Green for $47, flipped him to me for Eddie Lacy and Corey Coleman? Isn’t that better than paying $36 for a $22 player? I guess it’s up to you. I mean it’s not like I’d ever part with my boy Lacy, regardless. Anyway, changing strategies to spend more at QB and TE was good. I like your choices. Cam and Delanie will take some pressure off Forte and Jeremy Hill, and obviously your WRs will give you a nice cushion every week. Once Josh Gordon comes back, you’re going to be in a prime WR-dealing position. Maybe there’s your chance to grab that RB1. Best Move: I love the aggressiveness in getting Josh Gordon. He was probably the most valuable player in the draft at that point, and you spent what you needed to spend to get him locked up. He gives you flexibility to deal a blue-chip WR eventually and barely feel the sting. At that point, you had plenty of money, and you didn’t sit on it. Worst Move: Pretty obviously it would be the overpay for Forte, but I’ve beaten that horse to death. On a much, much smaller note, I hate the Devante Parker for $3 pick. I think he’s incredibly overrated, and he’s getting beaten out by Kenny Stills. I just don’t get what people see in him. I think he’ll end up being a complete non-factor this year. Most “Vicious Veg-Heads” Move: Choosing not to keeper Cam Newton for $13, then eventually buying him for $30 anyway. League-Wide ReportAlright, I know this is what you jackals are looking for. Here's your fix. You're all a bunch of degenerates. Enjoy bickering over these power rankings and such. If you have a problem with where I've put you, just type up a text outlining your points (briefly please!!!), and then throw your phone right in the toilet, you goddamn moron. This is my blog.
Best Draft Move Overall: I would give it to the Sims for $1 pick, but that might be talked about in a moment… Instead I’ll give it to Marvin Jones for $9. I think Jones has the ability and opportunity to be an elite-tier WR2, ending up right around WR#12 or WR#13. I believe in him that much. He’s in an offense that throws non-stop, he’s reportedly become Stafford’s favorite target, and he’s also the main red-zone threat. He is going to catch a lot of balls. This is a very valuable asset here, Hayden. I would have paid a lot more for him if I hadn’t spent it all on Gordon. Also in consideration, Mr. Crabtree, though I hate to say it. Worst Draft Move Overall: Probably could see this coming, but this goes to the Big City Hillbillies for bungling the roster spaces at the end of the draft. The Hillbillies basically lost out on an RB#30~ish player for absolutely no reason. The funniest part is that BCH properly budgeted for it, but it was something else that brought him down. If anything happens to Doug Martin, you may as well etch “The Mullynation” on the trophy right now. Sims becomes an RB1 overnight. Power Rankings:
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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