Well, what a week. 2 teams beaten by 50+ points. That means 2 teams renamed. 1 team was even beaten by twice their own score. Mad points were scored this week with the sole exception of the Veg-Heads who put their trust in the rookie Lynch (who just squeeked in under 50 by 0.8 points). No other team scored below 90 points. Anyways, to some fun trivia. Can you tell me what fantasy player is ranked number 6 overall? They average 19.6 PPG and only have one game below 10 points so far. They currently outscore Julio Jones, Antonio Brown, Ezekiel Elliot, and many other fantasy studs. The only non-QBs who outscore this mystery fantasy player are Demarco Murray and David Johnson (heyo!). Do you know who? Because I bet you weren’t thinking it was the Vikings D/ST. That’s right. The 6th best fantasy “player” is a team defense. The Vikings have been dominant this year so far. Shutting down top WRs, smacking QBs around, and racking up a monstrous turnover differential. It’s nuts. They are a full 5.3 PPG better than the #1 defense last year (Denver Broncos). And they were picked up off the waiver wire! That’s right. Undrafted. And yeah, I know you might say a lot of defenses often go undrafted, but let’s take a look at who was drafted anyways. Now, you can take a look at that and see it’s kind of crapshoot. But quite a few good moves were made to pick up the Broncos, Cardinals, Seahawks, and Texans. But even though most of us are Vikings fans none of us went with the homer pick of the Vikings D until Evan moved just before the season. And even he has benched them a couple of those weeks (much to my thanks). That move, if it carries though, has the potential to be one of the best moves of the season (oddly enough the pick up of Matt Ryan also by the Hillbillies is looking brilliant). Because Evan spent zero dollars on the sixth best fantasy scorer. Murray was $17, Brees was $15, Carr was $1, and David Johnson ($6 – keeper). Whew. How bout that Vikings defense! Wrap UpNorthside Angels (124.1) vs. 90° Putters (95.8) The fantasy black hole that is the Putters has been defeated in Week 5. The team with the lowest PA (368.7) faced the second highest PF team of the Red Zone. And as any good head coach knows, the team who scores more points by the end of the match-up wins. Northside Angels started out strong with a monstrous showing by his stud David Johnson. 30 hard-earned points that could have been even more if Arians pulled his head out of his ass and ran the ball more often. The Angels followed up this monstrous outing with a fairly pedestrian week. Hilton put up mad points to help out the team but after that it was pretty average. Jordy showed he still is on an anemic Packers offense and both Crowell and McKinnon had poor weeks. The lack of depth at RB could very well be the undoing of the Angels. But Gronk was back. He put up a respectable 13.4. Hopefully he gets some more red zone looks because Bennet had 30 goddamn points that could have gone to Gronk! The Putters also had a pretty good night on Thursday. Hyde is showing that he is a solid RB1 with his 20.4 points. Dalton also had a decent day on Sunday with 22.2. But after that the Putters seemed to suffer the quasi-black hold that the Angels exhibit against their opponents. Only Barnidge scored more than 10 points of the remaining starters. The worst play was Fuller over Cobb. How anyone can start WRs against the Minnesota Vikings defense boggles my mind. The Mullynation (144.5) vs. Boy Toyz 3: Muddy and Free (92.9) Mullynation had another monstrous game this week. It truly appears the curse is broken. And the Boy Toyz 3 felt the full wrath of the ‘Nation. Mullynation had respectable games from every player this week besides her WRs. Landry and the bye week replacement of Woods scored less than 5 points each. But no worries! Because Adam Freakin’ Vinatieri decided to put the team on his back with a giant 23 points. What a beast. This was helped by the Cardinal amazing 23.5 points this week. That is $1 well spent. The pickup of Jordan Howard has the potential to be pretty amazing for the future. The Boy Toyz are really missing the work of Bell this week especially with Pryor and Gordon putting up an equal number of points scored. Should a stuck with the Bell! The only real bright spot for Boy Toyz this week was a respectable 24.4 points by Phillip Rivers. But that is not gonna cut it when Gordon and Hunter Henry are the only ones scoring above 10 points. Hopefully your Seattle players coming off bye week help out! Indian Outlaws (183.9) vs. Princess Peach-O’s (91.5) The Outlaws truly appear to be back. And they made a statement to start their Steelers Age. They fucking doubled the Princess Peach-O’s score. What a massacre. And the Peach-O’s scored 91.5 points. So it wasn’t like they shat the bed. The Outlaws just dominated across the board. The Outlaws had 2 players score less than 10 points. One of them was the proverbial DP player so that’s fine. The only real “bad” play was putting in Brate instead of sticking with Bennet for TE. Brate only scored 4.3 points. But who freaking cares when the lowest scorer other than Ogletree was Mason Crosby at 12 points. ODB was at 14.1. The Bills D/ST was at 19.9 and was tied with Bell. And up and up and up to Elliot with 30.6 points. The Outlaws had more players score above 20 points than they had players score below 10. Throw in the close to 20 pointers and that is 6 players at 19 points or more to 4 players below 15 points. Just a monstrous week. The Peach-O’s just picked a really bad week to play the Outlaws and an especially bad week to bet on the mouth cereal bowl (can’t wait to see the video!). Overall a respectable week with a neat 91.5 points. Lamar Miller again shows that one shouldn’t start fantasy players against the Vikings (Hopkins only did ok because of the garbage time TD). He once again forgot to start the Fitzmagic! Trust in him, Gentry! Believe!! Suzy’s Pancakes (120.4) vs. Vicious Veg-Heads (71.2) The Veg-Heads did it! They squeaked under the 50 point loss! Wooh! Bless the work of Mike Evans! The disturbingly gooey Suzy’s Pancakes had a great weak put up by their players. Nothing spectacular but more than enough to beat the crap game the Veg Heads put up. Riddick has shown that he is the passing back to own in Detroit but who knows what will happen if Forsett ends up there. Greg Olsen threw up 22.6 points in a great showing in an embarrassing loss to the Bucs. All in all, the Pancakes weathered a storm with 3 of their players out for injuries and and another on bye. The Veg-Heads though. Dan! The informative text was heart felt. I really was rooting for your pick. But man o man. Nothing really went well for you. Lynch only put of 8.7 points, Forte only 7, and many other single digit starts. Even a bad negative score from the Texans D/ST (once again showing you shouldn’t start players versus the Vikings!). Benjamin and Evans put up respectable numbers but nothing enough to drag a cratering team to anything close to a victory. Troll Hunters (142.8) vs. Big City Hillbillies (114.3) The Hunters showed the Hillbillies who were the kings of the non-cityscapes. Tom Brady was back with a vengeance and just demolished the Browns. Long live the king. The Hunters wheeled and dealed to get the rampaging Tom Brady on their team. And it showed. 29.6 points is a good day for anyone. Combine that with 24.8 points from Amari Cooper and 21.4 points from Marshall and really only the Wheelers are going to be able to beat you. Nothing really to say here. Maybe hope that Eddie Lacy becomes viable in the future? But who knows with these Packers. The Hillbillies put up a valiant effort but once again left a ton of points on the bench. 83.8 points in total. Both Payne and Coleman put up 20+ points. Now, how much that would have helped him I don’t know. But I think it was fair to bench those players. Who knew the sickle-cell anemia wouldn’t affect Coleman? Literally no one. And that Panthers backfield is a mess. Just a tough break for the Hillbillies. I’m sure they will bounce back next week. Power Rankings1. The Mullynation (4-1) (-) The Mullynation continues to buck her previous curse and throws up another big game. Her team is looking solid overall and ensures their current standing in the rankings at the top. 2. Indian Outlaws (3-2) (+1) People keep trading the Outlaws good players for some reason, which justifies my belief that the only time to trade the Outlaws anyone should be when they are eliminated from the playoffs. The massive bomb the Outlaws just dropped on the league is something to be scared of. We’ll see if he can keep it up, but I weep for us if it continues. 3. Northside Angels (3-2) (-1) The Angels had another good week and continue their pretty high PF and low PA. This tenuous position near the top can change in an instant as the depth isn’t all that great. But Gronk is back and that makes it all ok! 4. Troll Hunters (3-2) (+1) The big scores helped buoy his weak standing from before. He needs to keep it consistent to justify the top 10 placement though. 5. Suzy’s Pancakes (3-2) (+2) A decent week shows the Pancakes are alive and well. The only downside to this week is that they went up against a pretty low scoring opponent. The RB situation still isn’t that great so it keeps them down in the middle. 6. 90° Putters (3-2) (+2) The practice of depending on your opponent having low scores only works when that happens. And this week shows it’s a bad strategy. Especially for next week. We will see if the black hole works against a resurgent Mullynation. 7. Boy Toyz 3: Muddy and Free (3-2) (+2) A valiant effort by the Tree Cats was not enough against the Mullynation. The moving up was more due to others moving down. Gonna need better scores to move up any more. From the dregs. 8. Big City Hillbillies (1-4) (-4) Falling mainly due to the record which is starting to count more and more. You put up good points but seem to be experiencing the Mullynation effect this year. This team will be one that fluctuates a lot. 9. Princess Peach-O’s (1-4) (-3) The drubbing you just received is the stuff of legend. You got doubled up son! The RBs and flex aren’t really doing the consistent thing but it’s mainly the record that drops you down this far. 10. Vicious Veg-Heads (1-4) (-) It just wasn’t your weak my man. Bad showing all around from a pretty weak lineup. Hopefully with Charles finally back and in full action will help stabilize things around a still pretty decent WR corp. Week 6 PredictionsNorthside Angels vs Suzy’s Pancakes
The Angels will secure a victory based around his WRs and Gronkowski. The Pancakes will see everyone not named Brown and Olsen have bad games against surprisingly good defenses. Troll Hunters vs. Princess Peach-O’s I see the Peach-O’s rising from the flames of their double drubbing and throwing up points on the Troll Hunters. Having his Houston players facing the Colts makes this just a too good matchup that will override some down play by Freeman. 90° Putters vs. The Mullynation The Black Hole Putters will feel the full wrath of the points juggernaut Mullynation this week. I foresee a 50-point game. Indian Outlaws vs. Big City Hillbillies The Outlaws will drop another big game on the Hillbillies, continuing that awful trend for the loveable country folk in the big city. I do expect a big game from Rodgers and DeMarco though. Boy Toyz 3: Muddy and Free vs. Vicious Veg-Heads In the hereby newly dubbed Points Bowl, we will see these two teams fight for the badge of worst scoring team in the league. The Veg-Heads will come out victorious on the backs of their Texans D that will eat Andrew Luck alive.
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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