Hey Hey Hey, we are back and ready to rumble. Hope everyone had a great offseason and glad to have a few new faces join in the pleasures of experiences others misfortune. Sorry it has been a couple years but I am glad we are back (tentatively) doing some fashion of blog posts to share our own pleasures in others unfortunate situations. To kick things off for those who are new here (whether the league or a causal soul who stumbled across this page) we are here to experience the ultimately form of Schadenfreude and to do that you first must win the league and forever engrave your name upon the one and only Schadenfreude Trophy. Today you won’t be hearing from any Trolls today because the Troll Hunters made sure to clean house after all of your poor performance in the draft. I mean seriously, we got everyone spending money in all the wrong places during the draft and the sad part was, they weren't even regretting it. When you are stuck in a whole, step 1 is to stop digging… and I know a number of you already dug your own graves. Take Tree Cats for example, locking down the number 1 QB, solid pick. Dug themselves a nice little spot for a cat nap and coast into never once worrying about their QB spot. Since I am nice and cozy with Allen, might as well enjoy some cat nip while I let everyone bleed themselves dry and grab a nice QB2 when the market cools down. Wait, how am I out of cat nip already, where it is go, why did I stop digging, this is a horrible spot to be, ahhhhhh Mahomes is right there, why would I not get him… & boom, locked and love me some top grade mahomes tuna... wait? why is this whole 10 feet deep… better get out of here. Hmmmmmm, I smell something cooking. Delvin, I need some ice cold Delvin to wash down their embarrassment spending 50% of my budget on two players… what was I doing, oh yeah I was digging, gotta keep digging this hole. Wow that was some good Delvin, let's see who's next… wait, why is it sooooooooo dark. The sun can' have set yet, we just started the draft like 20 minutes ago… oh no… 80% of my budget is gone after only 23 out of 160 picks. I'm not seeing any Tree Cats this year, I see two lions, a tiger, and a bunch of kittens… Nervous about that RB depth, nervous about having any top WR talent, and neither of these will get resolved by your two $20 TEs. Half of your remaining budget went to two TEs that don't help the situation above. GRADE - F Next up, we don't have someone digging a hole but rather a couple of Outlaws enjoying their time casing a near by Spirit Halloween for their next "purchase". After a nice meal at the nearby Pizza Ranch, Mr and Mrs Outlaws make their way to the nearest Spirit Halloween to load up on goodies as the holiday season is upon them. So they make their plan, grab their masks, leave their wallets, phones, keys, etc in the car incase either of them gets caught and locked up the car to avoid someone from stealing their leftover pizza ranch haul and extra slice of the pizza cookie. Obviously, they aren't allowed leftovers but that won't stop these outlaws from taking what is theirs. Now they are ready to burst through the front door and start taking what is theirs. Mrs. Outlaw was focused on grabbing those sweet sweet electronics and the most expensive items. Unfortunately, the best fog machines was sold out but the 2nd best was ripe for the taken. Next she moved over to the strobe lights and speaker system and with little time, grabbed the next best one and made a break for the door. These items will make their interior perfect for whatever lineup they are planning. While that was happening, Mr Outlaws was hiding in the shadows, grabbing the best outdoor décor he can find. Unsure why everyone was just walking by these two huge LED/blue tooth compatible grim reaper and vampire/coffin animatronics to scare away any unfortunate soul who dares cross them during their reign of terror. Mr./Mrs. with their secured cargo safely make it back to their car but there is a problem, their keys were locked in the car… and they have to get out of her quick…. So they make they 5 mile trek back to their hideout and quickly grab a set of backup keys to finish the job. However, hours have past and the horde has descended and left their Spirit Halloween in shambles. The best skeleton they can get is one made of cardboard and a few with Santa Claus outfits out which mostly won't get the job done. Only time will tell if the bargain bin trash will work out next to the high value items. How can you have a scary house if you only one skeleton and it is made out of cardboard… honestly people this house will get teepeed and egged multiple times throughout the holiday season. Grade - F Remember, no trolls here, this is me simply sharing with you the hypothetical stories that I know they were imagining when they were drafting these teams. Okay who am I trolling… I mean reciting their story next. Ah yes, the ever faithful and our current keeper of the Schadenfreude, the Angels. The Angels were given a miracle last year as they embraced the Schadenfreude with open arms. They didn't ask for the Schadenfreude, they didn't want the Schadenfreude, who are they to receive such a blessing. Once the recipient of the holy grail is a gift beyond compare, but twice is a sign from above that no one except the angels should harbor what is rightfully theirs. They were once a humble and generous coalition, offering advice and willfully accepting trades that were well below the asking price they would be receiving. However, within the in circle of the archangels, something is changing within them. They are starting to accept the meaning of schadenfreude and are actually starting to enjoy the misery they are noticing from the other factions around the league. The Archangels devised the perfect ritual for their success in retaining the Schadenfreude for years and years to come. After digging and digging with the archives over the past 6 months, everything they found always led back to the number 3. So on the night of the draft, the most holy of them enjoyed not 1, not 2, but 3 bottle of the wine reserved for the annual Jubilee giving back our most prized warriors to be selected once again. So the most holy, followed the ritual flawlessly, the 3 best general was selected among the lot, the 3 best captain of sea, air, and land was selected from the lot. Now, such a perfect execution of a ritual has never been perform. We have nothing else to do, we could either end the ritual now but that would be a disgrace to our father who has given us the number 3 as a sign. So we must be strong and chastise ourselves from any other number. As such, the celebration continued, and the angels stayed strong on their temptations for selection any additional campions. Number 4-10 were quickly gone but next came the 11-19s. Surely our father would never forgive us for such unholy numbers. Next came the 20-29, one follower spoke up at 23 and challenged the notion of if as long as 3 was included, would it be so bad if we accepted them into our ranks. But only the 23rd rank of the air was selected while the archangels began to question their ritual and the most holy was the most unhelpful asleep on the throne. However, now was their time to strike, the most holiest of number 3 and 3 and they were sure to select the 33 champions for both the air and land. However, unknown to them, the general and 33rd captain of the sea were most unsuitable for the job. By now, the Archangels knew they had made a terrible mistake, focusing solely on the number 3 has given them one of the best in each of the 4 core skills however, at what cost… the "holy" 33rd best aren't at all qualified to be second in command and these were the second best champions they had. The rest of the champions turned out to be merely peasants in disguised looking to grab a glimpse of the Schadenfreude. Grade: F Now, recruiting has been light the past 3 years since we captured the Schadenfreude behind the lines of the mulledwine nation. Fortunately, we took part in the destruction of them and forced their alliance with the outlaws who, in our/cadets honest opinion, haven't come close to regaining the Schadenfreude. Outlaws brewing and mulling their own wine, beer, etc was a horrible idea from the start. Outlaws just take what is theirs and Mullers create a monopoly and overcharge to force the holder of the Schadenfreude into debt and obtain via collateral (with no intention of getting back). However, those cultist and superior hunters (who are excellent marksmen who I could never compete with) swindled me out of my prize and I must build a army so great that they will never challenge me again. So I need to know how those cultist stole my prize out from under me and ruin their chances of obtaining the perfect army. So the senior officials as well as some junior officials (who we hope will take over the family army someday) got together and devised the perfect espionage within the cultist ranks. We first, learn their strategy as they have held the Schadenfreude for 3 years which included a 1 year rental tot he Superior Hunters who finally got recognized for their exceptional skills. After we obtain the perfect plan to take back the Schadenfreude, we will sabotage the cultist's plan to retain the ultimate prize. So, the cadets pulled together their most senior marines and infiltrated the cultists. The obtained that their ritual was to obtain the 3 best general and 3 best captain of land, sky and sea. When the cadets reconvened, they had two sets of the ritual. Now the next step in their plan was sabotage these cultist from annual draft of champions. Most champions didn't want to get drafted but it nots like us drafting them changes their untimely goal so they should be honored we accept them in our ranks. Okay, back to sabotage, while they were looking for the ritual they stumbled upon the ritual wine to be enjoyed during the draft. So the cadets had a brilliant but terrible plan, they would replace the wine, with wine cut with just enough bourbon to avoid the cultists from noticing. Also they also labeled which one would be enjoyed first so the cadets made the 2nd to last and last bottle more potent. Now the trap was set and the draft day was here. These meat heads had two drafts of the ritual and after hours and hours of discussion they concluded the most "evil"; number that would win them their prize was 6 (two sets of 3). So they selected the 6th best general and 6th best captain of land, air and sea (okay Waller is like 4th best but I downgraded him due to Adams and narrative purposes…). After the flawless execution of the plan to selected the 6th best draftees and adding a couple more b squad draftees. It was actually getting kinda late and our junior cadets have school tomorrow so we should get to bed early and rely on our last 2.5% budget to be allocated based on the best AI we can afford… really auto draft again… hasn't helped in the past 3 years and won't help again this year… Grade: F Oh how the mighty have fallen. We used to be the Kings among men with our only rival being the czars who acted like outlaws across the border. We had a beautiful arrangement, we would utterly destroy the rest of the nations and have a civilized duel between the two of us to decide who should hold the crown this year. However, darkness fell over our nation in 2016 when the czars backstabbed our arrangement and gifted their support to another nation. Supposedly this nation from the south had a beautiful queen that the czars had been courting her from some time. It was OUR time to hold crown for back to back years and it was our right to have our name ever engraved for a 3rd time as agreed upon in the Cake Eater Treaty of 2011. However, we could never have prepared ourselves for the Royal Treaty of 2016 when Mullynation ascended from being a commoner to become a queen. All three nations however would have a tragic ending, the "outlaws"; and "mullys"; would in fact join forces and become king and queen of the "Outlaw Nation"; But they would continue to fall from grace and have yet to regain the crown they promised us. As for us, we fell further than we could have ever imagine. We were forced from our castles and forced to rebuild our civilization around the borders of other nations and float from nation to nation asking for handouts and gifts to make ends meet. After years and years of years of riding the rapids and becoming gypsies of the river, we pull together our tribe and draft peace accords in hopes of regaining our wealth and status among the new crown bearers. The Church has held power for too long and we all know the countryfolk militia who held power was really a front from the Church. No one would believe those hunters of mythical creatures to actually obtain and hold the crown for a year, let alone a month. The plan for the tribe was actually genius to them, they have learned so much from the river/water/sea that they would focus on courting the greatest warrior the sea has to offer and if that wasn't enough we will acquire the 2nd best of the sea as well. Also, why stop there, the sea is so plentiful that we could as much of the sea as we desire. It will be a full proof plan. All we have to do is mix in a few serviceable general and solid captains of the land. We the River Gypsies were born from the water and we will reclaim our land… from the water… and unfortunately they were too focused on the sea to realize they need a stronger, faster, more powerful general and battalion of the land and/or sky to win any real battle to reclaim their high society status.
Grade: F
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By: Hayden HansonMr. Hayden Hanson (Editor in Chief) is an Accountant-extraordinaire, as well as an aspiring writer. He has written several moderately-successful self-help books, the most famous of which is "What Do You Mean You Can Smell My BO?" Gustav Travers of the New York Times praised the book as "A vulnerable, courageous look into the mind of a man who has literally no sense that other people exist. And also no sense of smell. Nope, he definitely doesn't have that either. Just musk, like a hog that's gotten into the cabbage." Archives
September 2019
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